Crystal (cristiline) wrote in sporkhpmovie,

 Chapters 26 and 27 by <lj user=shikishinobi> and <lj user=morriganscrow>.

Chapter 26; Friends Become Foes <b>We turn on canon.</b>

<b>SNIP: In the tunnel back to the grounds. Wasn't sporkable so we snipped part of it.</b>

A bit? A bit?” Ron asked, his voice getting more melodramatic with each word. “You almost tore my leg off.” Ron said. <b>Ron, you are a Drama Queen.</b>

I was going for <s>the</s><b>your trouser</b> rat.” Sirius explained. “Normally I have a very sweet disposition as a dog. <b>Many naughty thoughts.</b> More than once, James suggested I make the change permanent. <b>Many more naughty thoughts</b> The tail I could live with. But the fleas, they're murder.” he said <b>scratching his beard in a very dog-like fashion with his leg.</b> Harry and Ron looked at him like he was slightly insane <b>and they were probably right.</b>, but Sirius just shrugged and continued to help them along.

At the exit near the Whomping Willow, Sirius helped Ron and Harry climb out. Hermione joined them a few moments later. They sat Ron down and looked at his leg. Sirius wonders off and looks at the castle.

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>: *Presses pause*.</b>

<b><lj user=morriganscrow>; What did you do that for?</b>

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>:There are so many errors here, canon or otherwise. Can't we skip it?</b>

<b><lj user=morriganscrow>: No. We agreed to do this. Even if there is a problem with the scene, canon or not.</b>

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>: Well then shall we discuss the issues we have, canon or otherwise? </b>

<b><lj user=morriganscrow>: Very well. Since we are here, I'd like to point out the error with the tree. </b>

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>:You mean the Willow? </b>

<b><lj user=morriganscrow>: Yes. The entryway is under the Willow and they don't wander far from it for the majority of this scene. They should all be flattened into the ground.</b>

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>:True, since Crookshanks isn't holding the little knot to paralyze the tree. </b>

<b><lj user=morriganscrow>: I wonder whose fault that is?</b>

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>: *Presses play*.</b>

You better go.” Ron said to Harry, indicating Sirius.

No, I need to stay with you Ron.” Harry protested in a whisper. <b>We don't want to upset an innocent killer now, do we?</b>

It's okay, I'll stay.” Hermione said. Harry, realizing he had to do this whether he liked it or not, got up and went over to Sirius. <b>many translations spew out of this.</b>

That looks rather painful.” Hermione said to Ron. <b>Don't get him started Hermione.</b>

So painful.” said Ron, whining. “They might chop it.” <b>No they won't Ron.</b>

I'm sure Madam Pomfrey will fix it in a heartbeat.” Hermione reassured him. <b>For once she makes a canon statement.</b>

It's too late. It's ruined.” Ron continued. “It'll have to be chopped off.” <b>OH FOR FUCK SAKE RON! Madam Pomfrey grew Harry's right arm bones back last year. Do you think she can't handle a slight fracture and a skin wound? And where are the bandages Lupin wrapped around them in the book? Oh yeah, in the trash can in Steve's office, along with the book.</b>

Harry finally stood next to Sirius, looking up at Hogwarts Castle. <b>I suppose it is easier than craning your neck to stare at the stars a few inches of visual range higher.</b>

It's beautiful, isn't it?” <b>There are a lot of things in the line of sight, which are you talking about?</b> Sirius asked. “I'll never forget the first time I walked through those doors <b>and left a huge imprint of myself as I had forgotten to open them.</b> It'd be nice to do it again as a free man <b>because those stone walls at Azkaban are really hard to walk through. Wood is so much easier.”</b> Sirius looked at Harry. “That was a noble thing you did back there. <b>Stupid, but noble. I read ahead in the script.”</b> Sirius put on a hardened voice. “He doesn't deserve it.”

Well,” harry answered. “I didn't think my dad would have wanted his two best friends to become killers. <b>Why? It's fun!</b> Besides, dead, and the truth dies with him. Alive, you're free.” <b>Unless people believe him... but I doubt Steve will give them the logic to do so if the plot went that way.</b>

Just at that moment, Peter is forced out of the secret passage entry with Lupin pointing his wand at him <b>and they were flattened into pancakes.</b>.

Turn me into a Flobberworm. Anything but the <s>Dementors</s><b>store owners.”</b> Peter begged. He dropped onto the ground near Ron. He looked at him, then grabbed Ron's arm.

Ron! Haven't I been a good pet <b>slave</b>? You won't let him give me to the <s>Dementors</s><b>store owners</b>, would you? I was your rat!” <b>[Steve removes Ron's lines of contempt and disgust which give him some length of character depth and emotion.]</b> Seeing the look of disgust on Ron's face, he turned to Hermione. “”Sweet girl! Clever girl! Surely you wouldn't...” <b>What a suck. Kissarse!</b>

Get away from her.” Lupin cut in, pulling Peter to his feet. Harry and Sirius having watched enough of the proceedings going on behind them, turned back to the castle.

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>: *Presses pause*.</b>

<b><lj user=morriganscrow>: What now?</b>

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>: This is where both canon and Steve's bad imitation shit me. Where do you want to start?</b>

<b><lj user=morriganscrow>: We'll deal with Steve when the time comes. What is your canon problem?</b>

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>: I forget. You drove it out of my mind.</b>

<b><lj user=morriganscrow>: *Smacks SS upside the head.*</b>

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>: *Presses play*.</b>

<b>Snip: Come live with me mush. Boring.</b>

HARRY!” Called Hermione. Harry and Sirius turned around to look at Hermione who was pointing to a part of the sky. Everyone turned to look where she was pointing.

A full moon appeared from behind the clouds. <b>A a nearby gong is struck when it is fully revealed. We know it is not just a sound effect. Fast forward to where Harry and Hermione are watching the goings on, and you will hear the gong go off. There is someone nearby with a friggin' gong, and we don't know why.</b> Lupin looked at the moon as his eyes started to change from their natural blue color to a golden green. <b>Very Sparklypoo of you Steve, but we somehow don't think so.</b> He felt the change coming. The last thing he heard was Peter talking to him.

Remus my old friend. Have you taken your potion tonight?” <b>Unlike Hermione, your observational skills are rather lacking, aren't they Peter?</b> Sirius jumped forward and tried to bodily restrain Lupin while the change started within him, and worked its way out. <b>Raise your hands if you think Sirius is wasting his time and should have made his getaway when he had the chance?</b>

You know the man you truly are, Remus! <b>Well DUH!</b> This <s>heart</s><b>hard on</b> is where you truly live. Here!” Sirius called to him <b>grabbing his crotch</b>, but Lupin was oblivious to his calling. While Lupin was restrained, Hermione and Harry helped Ron to his feet and got ready to run. “This flesh is only flesh.” Sirius called again. <b>Sirius, just forget it and run.</b> Lupin dropped his wand. Seeing his chance, Peter picked it up and pointed it at himself.

Expelliarmus” Harry called, disarming Peter. <b>Note this is the last time it will be used correctly until the fifth movie.</b> But it was too late. Peter put on an evil smile <b>with all-purpose poultry tape</b> and waved as he shrunk in his clothes and turned into a rat.

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>: *Presses pause*.</b>

<b><lj user=morriganscrow>: I am seriously tempted to snatch that remote off you.</b>

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>: But I have a number of arguments for here.</b>

<b><lj user=morriganscrow>: Go ahead. *Sighs*</b>

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>: Well, since they see Remus transforming, wouldn't it be easier to cast a paralyzing spell on him? I can think of three off my head.</b>

<b><lj user=morriganscrow>: <i>'Petrificus Totalus'</i> is one, <i>'Immobulus'</i> is another, but I can't think of a third.</b>

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>: <i>'Locomotor Mortis'</i> would be another good one and any of the leg charms such as dancing, jelly-legs, etc. </b>

<b><lj user=morriganscrow>: Good call. Watching a werewolf with its legs locked together would be good. Why didn't the trio (or Hermione at least) think of this?</b>

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>: And while they were at it, doing the same to Peter before he escaped?</b>

<b><lj user=morriganscrow>: Because Mouldyshorts needs someone to help him return.</b>

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>: Next, where is Snape? He should have been here by now. Canon has him dragged along with the others. Why isn't he casting spells left, right and center? The greasy git claims he's a Dark Arts expert! And lastly, why doesn't this werewolf look like a werewolf?</b>

<b><lj user=morriganscrow>: Blame Steve, the director and the CGI people! They didn't read that 'it is difficult to determine the difference between a true wolf and a werewolf' because they didn't read a certain something.</b>

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>: *Presses play*.</b>

From within the clothing, the rat found a way out and ran for it. Harry tried to chase after it <b>forgetting that <i>Accio</i> would probably have been easier</b>, but Hermione held him back. <b>'I still want my sex.'</b> Harry looked back to their other problem. Remus was still changing and Sirius was having a hard time trying to hold him in place. Yelling painfully, the full change in Lupin's body began. <b>Yes, this did look good. It would have looked batter if he had looked like a wolf, like that thing in Steve's bin suggests.</b> The clothes ripped, the back hunched and the form of Remus Lupin began to disappear and turn into a <b>sad and sorry excuse for a werewolf replica</b> werewolf.

RUN!” Sirius yelled. “RUN!” Hermione and Harry watched as the change finished and Sirius was thrown aside. <b>Command number 24, 'RUN!' has malfunctioned. Report to maintenance.</b>

Come on!” Harry whispered.

Wait.” said Hermione. <b>She probably got top marks for the wolf essay, but she still tries to talk to it, knowing there is no hope of negotiation or reasoning with a werewolf after full transformation.</b> She looked at the depressed sounding werewolf. She approached it slowly.

Hermione!” Ron said in a high pitched tone of voice. “Bad idea.” <b>Grippoing your genitals to get a high note in your voice will prbably stunt their growth. Do stop it.</b>

Professor?” Hermione asked the werewolf. It looked at her. <b>EMO WEREWOLF!</b> Thinking that the werewolf might be recognizing her, she tried again.

Professor Lupin?” She asked. But this time, the werewolf howled to the full moon, Hermione jumped back to join Harry and Ron.

Nice doggy, nice doggy.” Ron was saying in a barely audible tone. <b>Ron wasn't paying attention in class, was he?</b>

Just at that moment, Snape appeared out of the passageway entry. Seeing Harry, Ron and Hermione, he jumped to interrogate them all.

There you are Potter.” He snapped. <b>Ummm, Snape...</b> It suddenly dawned on him they were not making frightened looks because of his presence. <b>Behind you Severus!</b> There was a loud growl behind him and he turned to see a werewolf approaching him. He blocked the three students as he prepared to take a blow from the werewolf. <b>We should take a picture of this moment and send it to Harry Potter, so he can rub Snape's nose in it later.</b> As the blow came, Snape pushed them all back and they fell to the ground. <b>Your wand (which you weren't disarmed of) would be really useful Snape.</b> The werewolf took another try, but something jumped at its neck and pulled it aside. Backing away, the werewolf came face to face with a giant black dog. <b>Mortal Godfight!</b>

<b>SNIP: <s>bitch/dog fight</s> lovers quarrel.</b>

Taking their opportunity, Snape started to lead the others away to safety, but Harry didn't comply. <b>”No! Shan't!” Harry said, slapping Snape away while doing a good impression of his cousin.</b>

Sirius.” he said, he got out from Snape's grasp and ran after the werewolf.

Come back here Potter <b>so I can slap you back</b>.” Snape snapped at him. Harry refused to listen. He came upon the two dogs fighting again. <b>Is it bravery to challenge a werewolf, or stupidity?</b> The werewolf had picked the dog up and thrown him against a rock. Beaten and in pain the dog whined. Harry picked up a rock and threw it at the werewolf. <b>If he remembered his lessons (how do these guys pass their lessons and exams) he would have known to howl like a werewolf. That would have made it less agitated.</b> Hitting it in the head, the werewolf turned on Harry in a fit of rage. Harry wasn't totally sure what to do. <b>This seems to be the most common thing to do in Steve Kloves movies. A quick act of bravery followed by absolute brainlessness. To prove our point, we quote Hermione. “Yeah, didn't think about that. RUN!” Speaking of which...</b> He was about to grab his wand when he heard another werewolf cry out. <b>Hermione?</b> It was cut short, but it was enough to get the werewolf's attention. <b>Urg?</b> When the cry rang out again, the werewolf in front of Harry ran off. <b>Are you in heat Hermione? Harry asked, more to his own twisted mind than to Hermione herself.</b> Harry wasn't sure <b>as to the answer of the question</b>, but he thought the werewolf that had cried out was female. <b>And considering there is only one female hero in this movie, I am pretty sure it is going to be Hermione.</b>

Looking over at Sirius, he saw the dog change back into a human, before passing out and sliding down the bank. Harry, in a state of fear and panic ran after him.

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>: *Presses Pause* </b>

<b><lj user=morriganscrow>: GIVE ME THAT REMOTE. *Fight occurs. Remote is broken in process.*</b>

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>: Good one. Now I need to press the buttons on the dvd player.</b>

<b><lj user=morriganscrow>: Not my fault. But since it is paused, what is it this time?</b>

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>: I thought you would have noticed the errors.</b>

<b><lj user=morriganscrow>: You mean transforming into an animal without your clothes and coming back to human form with your clothes?</b>

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>: Yes. Unless you transform your clothes as well.</b>

<b><lj user=morriganscrow>:I am not sure Stevie Boy put much thought to this. But here is an entertaining thought.</b>

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>: Go ahead.</b>

<b><lj user=morriganscrow>: Peter rocks up to Voldemort and he is nude because he didn't have time to change his clothes.</b>

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>: Are you trying to make me sick?</b>

<b><lj user=morriganscrow>:Yes.</b>

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>: Too bad it isn't working.</b>

<b><lj user=morriganscrow>:Dammit.</b>

<b><lj user=shikishinobi>:*Presses Play*</b>

Chapter 27, The Dementor's Kiss.

Harry ran down through the trees until he reached the lake. Sirius lay unconscious on the banks. <b>*Observe size of lake* If this is the Black Lake, we are highly disappointed.</b>

Sirius!” harry cried out. He reached the body and rolled it over. Sirius was unconscious. <b>Looking at the terrain, the ammount of trees and the fact Sirius rolled down the hill, he should e a discontorted mess by now.</b>

No!” harry said, seeing the lifeless face. “SIRIUS!” He called out. <b>Surely Harry, you could have thought of trying something different. Look around you.</b>

Suddenly, a chill came over him. A wind had picked up and the lake had started to turn to ice. <b>Now we can all go ice skating this summer.</b> Harry watched as the lake turned into one giant ice block. Looking back on Sirius, he <b>*Starts singing Evanesencse “bring me to life”*</b> came to life <b>look at that, it worked,</b> suddenly and took in a sharp gasp of fear and terror. Looking up, Harry saw what had to be at least one-hundred Dementors spinning around above him. <b>Swing your partner round and round, round and round and round and round and round and round and...</b> From the top of the cyclone of black, a Dementor dived down and sucked up energy from Sirius. <b>All the other Dementors started to complain that he had cut the line.</b>

Harry stood up, prepared to fight and die for his godfather. <b>And in the white corner, defending the Guilty until proven Innocent is Harry Potter. In the Black corner is our reigning champion. 100+ Dementors.</b> He took out his wand, thought up a happy thought <b>...............”I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts. There they are all standing in a row.”</b> and yelled out

EXPECTO PATRONUM!” A light shield flared up from his wand, making light vibrating sounds. <b>So you now know that in all of those movies where light shines down from yonder heaven, it is not angels singing, but a wizard casting the Patronus spell.</b> One Dementor came down and bounced off it <b>Boingy boingy boingy,</b> then another<b>and another and another... you get the joke.</b>, and then the shield faded. Harry looked as another Dementor came his way. <b>Harry then jumped up and down flailing his arms and screaming like a little girl.</b>

<b>”Go awaaiiie,” Harry said in a childish voice. He looked down as he felt someone urgently tugging on his leg. It was Sirius.</b>

<b>”Harry, that is not helping us. Try doing something constructive.” Sirius said in a state of panic.</b>

<b>Looking around, Harry saw more Dementors coming, and burst into tears. “I want my Mama an' my dum-dum.” Harry cried.</b>

<b>”THAT ISN'T CONSTRUCTIVE TO THE SITUATION!” Sirius said in a half angry half weakened tone.</b>

<b>We Wish to point out that Harry had plenty of opportunity to try and recall the shield (like in the books Steve) but instead he stands there and watches as Dementors suck him and his Godfather of life force. *Slap Steve the Anti-Canon Wonder upside the head.*</b> But this time it sucked energy out of him instead of Sirius. Harry yelled in pain and fell to the ground.

With their enemy now weakened <b>like the slow thinking losers they are,</b> the Dementors flew down and started sucking huge amounts of energy from Sirius and Harry. Finally, Sirius couldn't hold on. <b>”Promise me you'll never let go,” <s>Jack</s> Sirius said to <s>Rose</s> Harry.</b>

<b>”I promise <s>Jack</s>Sirius <s>Rose</s> Harry said, kissing the near frozen hand.</b> His body stopped breathing and his face was expressionless. <b>He must be bored.</b> From within his mouth a small blue ball floated out. Harry saw it <s>all coming to an end</s><b>and thought it was a blue M&M. Grabbing it, he shoved it in his mouth and bit down. Feeling a strange sensation in his mouth, he realized that was probably the wrong thing to do and he spat out the half mangled soul.</b>

<b>While we watch the soul slowly float away, we wonder why the human soul is only the size of a marble. While we realize that Steve might have a soul this size, it is not a good indication that the rest of us do.</b> A Dementor was about to steal the soul. <b>But instead of trying to actually do something about all of it, Harry is going to lie there and drown in self-pity. And we are counting on him to save us from the worlds most powerful dark wizard because...?</b> As Harry looked up, he saw something across the lake. <b>Trees? Rocks? Leaves?</b> Not sure on what it was, he focused on it <b>with the zoom-in function his eyes had.</b> It was a white stag. A <i>Patronus.</i> The ground shook <b>because summoning a Patronus, as you may have noticed, has the side effect of a small earthquake. I wonder if there will be mass geographical damage in the far future? Like when Harry teaches Patronus' to a big room full of students, for example.</b> and it let out a sudden forcefield of light, which bounded towards him. <b>Que Trumpet music normally associated with horse races.</b> As it traveled, the Dementors got bounced away. <b>Lots more boingy, boingy boingy.</b> Another shield followed and another until the Dementors had all disappeared. Harry looked back down. The soul of Sirius had returned into its owner and the body reanimated <b>feeling the worse for wear, having had its soul munched on.</b> In his last force of conscious, Harry looked over the lake. The Patronus faded and he saw a man standing on the other side of the lake.

'Dad?' Harry thought. He then passed out onto the ground, no strength left to stay awake and get help. <b>We wish to point out the interesting position Harry and Sirius are lying in.</b>

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