Chapter 19: The Patronus
With melting snow, blooming flowers and a shaking Womping Willow, we awkwardly transition into spring. Christmas? Was cancelled.
We are now in Lupin’s, well, I have no idea what this room is. It’s neither his classroom nor his office, which we both see in different parts of the movie. So it’s just a random room with planetary models, spine candles (which I find cool btw) and a Boggart in a trunk. Lupin tells Harry that the Patronus Charm is very advanced magic that cannot be performed by just anybody, but will be performed by Harry, Dumbledore, Hermione, Cho, Tonks and pretty much anyone else in the Order in the next few books. Advanced, my ass.
Anyway, Lupin asks if Harry heard of it, which he hasn’t. What a surprise, eh? Lupin explains that a Patronus is basically magical cannon fodder for the Dementor. In order for it to work Harry will need a very strong, happy memory, which JKR will ignore in later books and simply turn into happy thoughts, which is totally not the same thing and simplifies the whole matter too much.
Harry learns the spell, concentrates on a memory and then Lupin open the trunk. With wandless magic. Argh, what the hell? Oh well, never mind. The fake Dementor comes out, Harry fails as expected and faints, the big pussy. Lupin, our friendly child molester, wakes him up after who knows long (and doing who knows what to him while he was out) and gives him some chocolate. Oh Remus, no sweets in the world will make Harry feel better as long as he has to spent any time with your creepy ass self. While Harry collects himself, Lupin lights the candles again with some more wandless magic (while he’s holding his wand in his other hand, no less) and asks what Harry thought about. Harry: “The first time I rode a broom.”, which makes Lupin look at him as if to say: “Dude, that’s, like, totally gay and I would know.” But he only tells Harry that he needs a better memory.
Harry then indulges in his masochistic tendencies and plays with the candle flame for a bit before giving the Patronus thing another try. And would you look at that, he creates a huge flare effect. Well done, Harry, next time we’ll try blurring, maybe we’ll manage to cover that before the end of the movie. Lupin stuffs Harry with some more chocolate, claiming it’ll really help, making it sound as if that stuff is laced with Spanish Fly. Harry then reveals that his memory is his parents talking to him, which probably isn’t even real. A fake memory for a fake Dementor, how fitting. I guess Harry thinking about learning that he is a wizard and going to Hogwarts wasn’t angsty enough for Cuaron and Kloves. Also pay attention, one of the few, maybe only time Lupin will actually mention James.
Remember, if anyone wants to sign up to write chapter 20, please e-mail me at email@example.com. Thanks!